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Rambles and Brambles and Other Painful Things

Trigger warning (?): depression? I’ve never had to do a trigger warning before. Feels weird. But yeah, this isn’t a sunshine-and-smiles post. Featured image is unrelated to the rest of the post.

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I considered not writing today.

I considered not doing Foxes on Friday tomorrow, even though I know it would cheer me up.

I considered shutting down A Sign Of Life, or at least letting it go dark for a while.

I considered letting another hour, another day, another week or month or year slip through my fingers, and I wouldn’t even try to close my hands and grasp it.

I’m considering leaving this post, letting it wilt away and eventually rot in the drafts folder, along with handfuls of other posts that need only a quick polish before they can shine.

I considered a lot of things.

The novel sits, untouched for weeks. The house is a mess. The lawn needs care, the dog needs to be exercised, and I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m dying. I haven’t slept well in days, and if it weren’t for my husband’s frequent reminder that we need to eat lunch and dinner, I would only be eating breakfast each day, if anything at all.

Each morning, it’s a struggle to make my legs move, to pull myself upright, and get out of bed. Usually the only thing that prompts me to do so is Artemis, loudly reminding me she needs to be let outside. During the day, it’s a wonder if I ever leave the couch without a mandatory reason to do so.

This has been all too real lately.
This has been all too real lately.

Yesterday, I read a post titled “Hiding. Don’t Seek”. While it was on a different subject, the title called to me, because that’s precisely what I want to do: hide.

I want to disappear. It’s every magician’s greatest trick.

tumblr_mvfr0f3yqx1sq6y15o1_500

Except I’m not a magician. Or even a Cheshire Cat.

The frustrating thing is, though, that not every day is like that. Saturday I was so bored I stood on my head to see if the view changed, but I was okay. Sunday I was angry. Monday I was okay, but I didn’t sleep or eat. Tuesday and Wednesday were awful. Today has been all over the place and it’s not even noon yet.

It says on my About page that A Sign Of Life is “a place for me to be me.” Except that’s not true, because there is so much I hide, so much I don’t want to be seen. And it’s not just from my readers, my friends, my audience — I hide things from myself, too. I want everything to be happy and sunshine and have everything be perfect, all the time, always. So I edit what I put online, I omit the dark thoughts (even here, I’m omitting, erasing, hiding), and I try to convince myself that I’m just having a bad day, and I’ll return to being happy tomorrow.

For a couple of weeks now I kept hoping; maybe tomorrow I’ll be okay. Maybe tomorrow I won’t hate myself. Maybe tomorrow I won’t hate everyone else. Maybe tomorrow… tomorrow… tomorrow…

But the tomorrow isn’t really better, and I only sink deeper, bogged down by my thoughts as my brain tries to sabotage itself.

iXgs9

YE204Nothing you do is good.
You’re useless.
Why try? Nobody is going to read your crap.
Name four people who want you around. Just four. See? Can’t be done.
You’re a pathetic, cowed, helpless shadow of a human being.
Gods, you’re hideous.
Give up.
You can’t tell anyone you’re losing it. They’ll ignore you, or tell you to get help, or leave you or think you’re crazy.
This is a secret — our little secret. Just you and me.

hrXX0wO

These — among others — are the thoughts that have been consuming me. It brings me no joy to be able to relate to almost every comic, image, or article about depression that I come across.
The only difference is I haven’t been diagnosed. I don’t know what, exactly, is wrong with me, just that something is indeed not right.

So why not journal all this and shove it in a random closet where it won’t be found? Why publish online, where it will never be forgotten? Why expose the most raw part of myself — the part I don’t even want to admit to — so literally anyone can see it?

I don’t know, really.

Maybe I’m just venting. Maybe I’m just trying to stay true to myself; letting “me be me”. Maybe I’m sick of hiding, even though I still so badly want to disappear. Maybe I want to be comforted. Hell, maybe it’s a “cry for help”.

I’m not okay. I’m not a danger to myself or others, but I’m not okay.

tL7FChEI just want to come back, to be myself again.

 

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30 thoughts on “Rambles and Brambles and Other Painful Things

  1. My heart broke reading this. You know that I know what a lot of this is like, but each person’s experience is so very different.

    Please, please, please, reach out if you need anything.

    Hopefully you have and know of the different things/resources out there that can help you, or start to help, but if not then let us know what you need.

    ((Hugs)) and love to you, E.

    Like

    1. I have a vague idea of what’s available for me, but because most of the mental health places around me are intended for soldiers, I feel sort of like the odd one out. I don’t know where to go, which only adds to the feeling of being lost.
      Thank you (thankyouthankyouthankyou) for your kindness. Really.

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      1. It’s ok to feel like the odd one out. Just ask please…. And your family knows. Love you more than I can express. I can help you find someone just let me know ok?

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      2. I know… I knew you know, I just didn’t want to confirm it because that would mean it was real… I’ve been doing some pretty elaborate mental gymnastics to get out of telling you and Husband, and I’m sorry I couldn’t just tell you outright that something was wrong.
        I’m working on getting a diagnosis, or at least a direction to go in.

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  2. Depression is a dirty lying bastard.
    If nothing else, you can let it out here, and find support from people who understand exactly what you’re saying.
    Sometimes, that little bi is enough to help you along til the shadows pass…

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  3. I can so relate to this. You are not alone. You can beat this. You need to see a Dr and get diagnosed. Medications are better now with less side effects. You have to make the decision to fight. Find not four, but ONE thing to focus on and work from there. Every time your “depression” says those negative things say something positive out loud instead. You can do this.

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    1. I know I need to see a doctor… I’m still working on trying to tell my family that something is wrong, first.
      I found making banana bread yesterday sort of helped… maybe making yummy things keeps darkness at bay.
      Thank you pavanneh, for your thoughts and encouragement.

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  4. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to admit you’re not okay. It’s okay to talk about your demons and the darkness you feel.

    Please don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. From us, from your husband, from your family, from professionals. It’s okay to ask for help and often times it’s the only way to deal with this.

    Take care of yourself, E.

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  5. Thinking of you….
    When you have a good day, try writing yourself a letter for the bad days… my therapist got me to do that a couple of years ago. I came across it last week while sorting through paperwork. Made me smile…

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    1. I’ve done that a couple of times… It makes me feel better when I read it, but those feelings are difficult to really hang on to through the rest of day.

      Thank you for your thoughts. 🙂

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  6. I love your foxes. They help on days when I am not okay. On days when you wonder who the person you used to be went. On days when even the thought of doing the dishes seems too much. On days when you want to disappear and become invisible, because that is the ultimate in hiding.
    So with the wonderful foxes – that’s something you do that is good. You are not useless – perhaps I am not the only person who is helped by your foxes. The comments show that we are reading your blog and we want you around. You are none of the negative things you wrote – you are overwhelmed with a lot of negatives feelings right now – and it is ‘okay’ to be ‘not okay’
    And you can tell someone you are ‘losing it’ – you already taken the first step and told me and other folk who read your blog. We are not ignoring you and I sure don’t think you are crazy.
    Sometimes we work too hard to hold a fragile self together, we silence ourselves when we need to speak up and reach out. We say we are “Fine; Coping; Managing; Getting by”, but that’s not really being okay.
    You said “It’s our little secret. Just you and me.” Please reach out and include someone close to you in that secret. I know you “want everything to be happy and sunshine and have everything be perfect, all the time, always”, and I can’t promise that you or I can have that, but I can promise that if you reach out, it will be a step towards making tomorrow okay.
    Please keep posting your foxes. – I will be watching out for them and thinking of you.

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    1. I… am absolutely floored by your kindness and support. I suspected I would find my online community supportive, but I had no idea that you (and others) had such beautiful things to say.
      I think part of the reason I posted this is *because* my depression/dark thoughts wanted me to keep it a secret — in an act of defiance against myself, I told as many people as I could. My husband and my mom know now, and they’re willing to help, which might not make everything perfect, but it helps to know they — and everyone here — are in my corner.
      “On days when you wonder who the person you used to be went. On days when even the thought of doing the dishes seems too much. On days when you want to disappear and become invisible, because that is the ultimate in hiding.” — That’s just about all I’ve been feeling lately. I guess it feels good to have solidarity with others, even if it’s still a sucky thing to have solidarity in, ha.

      You know, it’s funny. I started doing the FoF because I was having a bad day and saw a picture of a fox that made me smile. Then I did it again the next week, and so on. It’s making me smile now to know that the foxes have helped someone else, too. I’ll keep doing the foxes, and I’ll keep ASOL going. Thank you so much for your encouragement and kindness. You’ve touched my heart and made the darkness go away for a bit.

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  7. you are not alone. I relate totally and it is so much like a slow moving rollercoaster. Sometimes things are good and sometimes they are just not. I have written quotes that I see when I wake up to inspire me to keep going – have a good day – life IS good – just breathe – along with a list of goals I try to attain like feeding my family healthy meals daily, hugging my family regularily, getting exercise, a goal weight….I forgive myself daily too when I don’t even move in the right direction toward them…. I remember to be kind to myself and when I’m down – let myself rest, watch some funny you tube videos, read a book I enjoy or just sit out in my backyard and breathe

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  8. Reblogged this on Jennifer Robson – Artist and commented:
    This is so brave, and the response form people is great. If you’re wondering what depression is like, just read this. How brave is this person, who keeps on trying in spite of what shes faced with? Depressed people dont think they are strong, thats the nature of the disease. But what most people with depression dont realise is they keep fighting, because they have to. Love and support to this blog xxx

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